Honestly, I am kind of surprised I made it this far. “This far” being anywhere past the conceptual stage of my one-month vegan adventure. And you know what? I am doing alright. I must say, when your fiancée is a fine goddamn cook, eating, in general, becomes a lot easier. Don't let me get ahead of myself, however. It has only been a day.
I closed out my over twenty-two year streak of non-veganism the best way I could: by eating lunch at McDonald’s. After a local franchise did me wrong the hard way a few weeks ago—did me wrong even by fast food standards—I took the time to log onto the company’s website to complain. You can only imagine how badly I was treated if an experience with the Golden Arches prompted a customer service complaint from yours truly.
WE ARE HERE TO SERVE. BUT MOSTLY TO FUCK UP YOUR ORDER.
I can’t fault them too much. They made nice. I received an email follow-up and, in a perfectly-timed aligning of corn-fed, beefy planets, yesterday I received a coupon for a free Extra Value Meal by way of snail mail. I jumped on that ship and set sail to the exotic and physically-exhausting land of Double Quarter Pounder with Cheese.
When I came to, it was grocery shopping time, and I set out with a renewed sense of purpose (that burger was weighing on my lower intestine). From Target, Whole Foods, and Publix, I purchased things like Textured Vegetable Protein and Nutritional Yeast. These things are especially noteworthy because A) what the fuck are they? and B) a year ago I would have eaten my own fart before I put something like that in my body.
It gets crazier. I had veggie fried rice for dinner. Said rice dish contained peas, carrots, scallions and motherfucking tofu. The coolest thing about tofu is that song from DOUG. Which reminds me: I need more allowance. In any event, I ate tofu successfully, and I didn’t throw up. I didn’t even gag. Based on this, I am fairly certain that I am Superman, minus the part where green things kill me, because now I can eat them without getting all sick and/or murdery.
"I SAVE PEOPLE, NOT COWS. FUCK COWS."
Breakfast this morning was high-protein cereal in almond milk. Almond milk is tricky. It soaks into the cereal rapidly and turns the whole thing to sludge. Not pleasant, soggy sugar-flakes like regular milk. Cardboard slush like wintery gutter-mix.
Lunch was light because breakfast was so filling. I crammed a clementine and applesauce down my gullet and called it substantial. Also of note: no soda to this point in the day.
The afternoon brought the first epic challenge of my experiment. On the way to check my campus mailbox (which was goddamn empty anyway), I passed a full outdoor buffet set up in the breezeway. Burgers. Hot dogs. Barbecue chicken. Cookies. All free. And I resisted! I snatched a lukewarm veggie burger, a pickle, and a half-corn on the cob from the trays and pulled myself away. The poor college student side of me wanted to kick the stubborn, committed side of me in the gums, but luckily I am horribly inelastic.
ME. POST-FACE KICKING.
Dinner was another meatless burger and homemade French fries. Holy shit. Let me tell you something about my fiancée’s French fries: fuck every French fry you have ever eaten until you have tried hers. Which you probably never will. Think about that. That sucks.
But you know what does not suck? Maybe you do, but I'll tell you anyways. What does not suck is that I have made it a full day as a vegan. It has only been a day, but damn it, what a decent, manageable, not-so-terrible day it has been.